Religion Be Gone!

At least that’s what the bible says, more or less, and I’d like to emphasize that point with this humorous photo.

Thanks to Neece at Heaving Dead Cats for the image!

General dinner, obedience, satan, woman, wtf

I’ve not read Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life, but after hearing this bit from Bill Maher, I may have to go pick up for the entertainment value. Then when I’m done reading it, I can shelve it in my library right next to Aesop’s Fables… except maybe then someone would think that it was appropriate for children. Probably best if it gets shelved next to the bibles and the Koran. Then there won’t be any doubt.

And people actually BUY this kind of stuff? And by “buy” I mean “believe” and “take seriously.” I think the last person anyone should be taking life advice from is a bigoted homophobe. Oiy!

General bigotry, bill maher, Christianity, homophobe, purpose driven life, rick warren, wacko, wtf

Here’s the best rationale I’ve ever seen for why God lets bad things happen to good people (I mean, if he actually existed). It’s the best rationale because it’s actually consistent with God’s behavior in the Old Testament… and the New Testament if you really get into it.

I’d love to give someone credit for this image, but I don’t know its source. Apologies to the creator (small c creator… not… oh nevermind).

General bad things, god, good people, wtf

Thanks to the Atheist Media Blog for the link to this video from the British show Outnumbered. Check out their site for another clip where the younger daughter asks a great question about religions blowing up planes.

I’m in stitches here!

Catholicism, Christianity, Islam jesus, polar bears, vicar, video, wtf

Over at God is For Suckers!, jimmer posted a bit about new Catholic rules pertaining to sightings of the Virgin Mary, which is, in and of itself, hysterical. However, the accompanying Papal picture had me in stitches.

Not only does Benedict XVI have a classically creepy look to him, but the collar of the priest standing behind him makes it appear that he has two little white horns… which I find hysterically ironic.

Maybe it’s a sign from God!!!

"I knew I should have worn my big hat."

Catholicism benedict xvi, catholic, creepy, devil, horns, pope, wtf

Statistically speaking, for something that naturally occurs 50% of the time, praying for it will make it actually occur… (wait for it)… 50% of the time! And for something that naturally occurs 10% of the time, praying for it will make it occur… (you know it’s coming)… 10% of the time! That rule pretty much holds true for any percentage… even zero… like when someone prays for angry griffons to descend from the sky and devour those pesky atheists.

“The hard work of one does more than the prayers of millions.”

General prayer, religion, statistics, wtf

…and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Hey, c’mon now! Cannibalism isn’t funny! Seriously! You can’t laugh about the cannibal who got home late for dinner and the only got the cold shoulder. It’s nothing to make fun of that cannibals only leave the table after everyone’s eaten.

Okay, so it actually is funny. I mean, maybe not when I tell it, but generally speaking, cannibal jokes are funny… unless you’re seriously being a cannibal. Then it’s just disturbing, sick, and gross. Like the following (from the book of John 6:53-55)…

53 Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. 54 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. 55 For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink.

There you go. Good Christians should be chowing down on human flesh and washing it down with human blood. But not just any flesh and blood. It has to be flesh and blood from Jesus. Fortunately for him, he’s not around anymore, otherwise he’d be surrounded by crazed cannibals trying to lop off hunks of flesh from his body.

So I guess the Christian folks have to use a representation of flesh and blood and since Jesus had a bit of an obsession with bread (from John 6:48-51)…

48 I am the bread of life. 49 Your forefathers ate the manna in the desert, yet they died. 50 But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which a man may eat and not die. 51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”

(Holy dough fetish, Batman!)

Now, Christians just use bread (or a poor Catholic facsimile thereof) instead of actual Jesus flesh. They just pretend it’s Jesus flesh, because if you don’t do the whole cannibal thing properly, I guess you go to Hell, and since Jesus stubbornly refuses to actually show up once in awhile, they do what they can.

I didn’t search for verses where Jesus is obsessed with wine (or grape juice, as is the case in some churches). It just seemed silly to continue.

So in closing, I’ll leave you with a bit more cannibal humor, this time modified to be a little more in context.

Two disciples sat licking their fingers after a large meal. “Jesus sure makes a delicious roast,” one disciple said.

“Yes he does,” said the other. “I’m sure going to miss him.”

Catholicism, Christianity Bible, blood, bread, cannibalism, communion, flesh, jesus, wine, wtf

Any time an omnipotent, invisible being has a child (who is also himself) and sends him(self) to Earth so that he can tell everyone about his father (who is himself) and get them to worship him(self), in order to eventually have him(self) persecuted and killed in a bloody, horrendous manner, and then have him(self) resurrected in order to magically create a  ”belief for forgiveness” trading post in the sky, really deserves nothing but reverence and respect, both intellectually and spiritually.

*cough*

So in the spirit of treating “serious” matters seriously…

Q: What did Jesus say while he was being crucified?

A: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh…

Q: What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

A: You only need one nail to hold up an oil painting.

Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”

I don’t want to break a commandment and say that these are my jokes. That would be lying… which, in this case, wouldn’t technically be “bearing false witness” against my neighbor, but even so, I’d rather give credit where credit is due. These all came from Liberator.net page of Jesus Jokes and Pictures.

When it comes to joke material, religion really is pretty much a bottomless bucket.

Catholicism, Christianity, General Christianity, crucifixion, god, jesus, joke, resurrection, wtf

Great stuff from 2 Kings 2:23 – 2:24 about Elisha, one of the mightiest of prophets (and personally my very, very favorite)…

2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

That’s some seriously good stuff, eh? The dude is so badass that he doesn’t even have to maul children by himself. He can just have God summon up some bears to do it for him! That’s even better than Wonder Twin powers. I mean… seriously!

So remember kids…

Christianity bald, bears, elisha, god, maul, wtf

I’m almost speechless! …and only because I can’t easily talk while I’m laughing.

Mormonism cartoon, mormon, wtf